29 October 2009

Fantasy Football

What could go wrong with combining two things that everyone loves? Fantasy and Football? Let's look at each of them separately before combining them.

Fantasy. Do you know the average fantasy of the average American male? No, not that one. The one that they have had since they could first pickup a ball and glove. Do you know why people bring their baseball glove to the ballpark when they go see their favorite team? It has nothing to do with being ready for a foul ball or prepared for an autograph. They bring the glove because they absolutely must be ready to take the field when called upon. There is a series of events in which they may have to suit up and get in there and play. I do not care what you are a fan of, Nascar or basketball, jai-Alai or competitive hot dog eating, you have pictured yourself not only participating, but absolutely integral in an emergency call up to help your team. Fantasy is rooted in our psyche, but this is the most prevalent and longest surviving example.

Football. In all its forms, football is the most popular sport on earth. Football (soccer) is the most popular sport by far with no near competitor. American football, whether college or the NFL, could literally print its own currency. Families break up and blasphemy is rampant when college football is discussed openly. Adults actually paint their face and take out a second mortgage for a PSL to watch the hometown NFL team. I have heard that a fan in London can take the tube home wearing his team gear and get off at the wrong station only to receive the beating of his life. The games themselves include battlefield tactics. Offense, Defense, Trenches, Ground Attacks, Aerial Assaults, Field Generals, Flankers, Shotguns, Strikers, and Emergency Medical Personnel. Football is the ultimate team sport and, also, all out war.

What mad man thought it would be safe to mix fantasy and football? What kind of idiot, upon hearing that someone had combined them, would dare to partake in the sheer lunacy? We have seen this before with tragic results: fast women and fast cars, Americans and credit cards, Cruzan Rum and Hope Town. These things would seem to be like oil and water and yet they make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish. Lamb and tuna fish? Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy? Rotisserrie baseball begat fantasy football, and fantasy football begat the end of western civilization. The entire recession and my current lack of home value started with the proliferation of fantasy football. When the leader of the free world is more concerned with whether college football has a playoff than life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness, we have a problem.

I think that there are only a couple things left for us to do. I don't know much about fast cars and fast women, but they seem to be holding their own. It is clear that the economy is not going to fix itself and my Obama check was lost in the mail. Good rum is too delicious. We either need a complete and immediate separation of football and fantasy, or someone needs to trade me Adrian Peterson before this weekend's games.

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